Chopsticks: For The Extremely Traditional and Extremely Pretentious

chopchop

I had this thought the other day while working at this beautiful Thai restaurant with amazing food. We carry chopsticks, barely involved in Thailand’s culture. Why? Pretentious assholes that think they’re somehow enlightened by being able to use a useless tool. A quick wikipedia study shows that chopsticks are super ancient. The earliest record of the eating utensil dates back to 1200BC. Though a citation is needed on this wikipedia article, chopsticks were originally made for cutting food, not some sort of tweezers extending from your fingers to awkwardly pick up pieces of food. Just because ancient Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, and whatever other Asian cultures used to use these things, doesn’t mean that any time you go to some local Asian food place that you need to ask for a pair so that you can show you know what’s going on.

I am not sure if anyone really knows about this exciting new technology, but I am very happy to share it with you all. It’s called a fucking fork. Not only can you act like a civilized person and not eat by scooping piles of food into your mouth with your bare hands, you can pick it up without having to train your fingers to try and pinch a tiny fragment of whatever the hell is on your plate and drop it in your mouth. Honestly, besides the sheer fun of trying out something different to us ignoramuses in this place, I don’t know why you would ever try to use this difficult tool. If you go over the Pacific to an Asian culture that uses primarily the chopstick, by all means, try to fit in. Otherwise, if you’re here, be proud to say that you are living beyond the negative 13th century and will be happy to show how you evolved into a smarter mammal that can develop better and more efficient ways to perform the most basic action of the world’s animate creatures. We should probably all just be hooked up to IV’s at this point in order to regulate our obesity problems and probably stabilize the world’s food supply. To avoid further tangents I will sum this up, just because you are an American using chopsticks when you eat your sushi or random American-Asian chicken, does not mean you are more cultured than the person next to you using a fork. It really just means you’re insecure.